Ianto Has to Pee
by Lady Emma Wentworth
Summary: The bathroom is so close and yet so far! Pity poor pregnant Ianto Harkness-Jones. Pity his poor abused bladder. As always, my men are on long-term loan from Miss Beeb!


**Ianto Has to Pee**

"How are you feeling, Ianto?" Jack walked into the living room and slung his greatcoat over the back of the wing chair. He looked at his husband and frowned. "Why are you sitting like that?"

"Like what?"

"You're all…" and Jack made an 'S'-shaped swish of his hand through the air. "Doesn't that hurt your neck?"

"No." Ianto's eyes finally left the TV screen and he looked at Jack. "But if you'll help me up off the couch, I'll tell you what does hurt."

"Okay," Jack easily agreed and stepped up between Ianto's out-stretched legs. Taking hold of Ianto's hands, he asked, "Ready?"

At Ianto's nod, Jack counted, "One, two, three!" and he pulled with all his strength, levering Ianto up off the couch and making sure the other man was steady on his own two feet. At an imperious wave of Ianto's hand, Jack moved out of the way and watched as the Welshman waddled off down the hallway.

"Hey!" Jack followed Ianto into their bedroom, and then stopped when he realised that his husband was going into the ensuite. He tried to ignore the sound of Ianto peeing, but it seemed to go on forever. "You were going to tell me what does hurt?"

"What?" Ianto's question was almost drowned out by the sound of the toilet flushing and then water running in the sink. He walked out into the bedroom, and looked at Jack, who was staring at him.

"What!"

Jack shook himself. "Uh, nothing. That was just a… um… really long pee, that's all." He grinned. "I'm impressed."

Ianto glared at him. "Well, don't be!" he snarled. "It goes right along with what hurts."

"I don't get it."

"No, of course you don't, Jack." Ianto sighed, sinking down on to their bed and flopping backwards. "You don't have your rugby-playing hooligan of a son kicking your bladder all day long, do you? And that's what hurt, thank you very much! I've had to pee for the last hour at least, and I couldn't get up. I was stuck in that damn couch, Jack."

"Aah, how come I always get the naughty kid?" Jack whined. "How come I can't have the good kid for a change?"

"Because my angelic daughter spends her time doing quiet ladylike things like reading and napping," Ianto answered primly.

Jack knew that if he didn't laugh, he was going to burst just as surely as he knew that if he _did_ laugh, Ianto would kill him where he stood. So, he covered his mouth and pretended to cough.

Ianto looked up at him with narrowed eyes. "Are you laughing at me, Jack Harkness?"

"Jack Harkness-Jones," he answered back snarkily and then wished he hadn't when a pillow hit him square in the face. "I'm sorry," he apologised as he bent to pick up the pillow. Straightening up, Jack realised that there were tears leaking from the corners of Ianto's tightly shut eyes.

Immediately, he crawled onto the bed next to Ianto's prone body. "Hey! I sorry, Ianto. Really." Using his thumb to wipe the tears away, he leaned down and softly kissed Ianto's lips, feeling them trembling beneath his. "What's wrong, Yan?"

Sniffling, Ianto took hold of Jack's hand and twined their fingers together. "I'm as big as a house, Jack. I can hardly walk; I haven't seen my feet in months, and I can barely even see my penis in the mirror anymore." He sniffed again. "I just feel so ugly."

Jack gazed down at his hugely pregnant husband. "You are the most beautiful creature in the entire Universe, Ianto Harkness-Jones, and don't you ever forget it." He reached out and stroked his free hand across Ianto's belly and was rewarded with a resounding kick to his fingertips. Pulling loose the strings on Ianto's track bottoms, Jack pushed them down and moved his shirt up so that he could see all of Ianto's baby bump.

Bending down, Jack kissed the taut skin and then laid his head down gently on the same spot where he'd kissed. He imagined he could hear his babies in there, talking to him. "You are carrying our twins, Yan, and you are absolutely gorgeous to me. I love everything there is about you."

"Really?" Ianto knew he sounded pathetic, but he just couldn't help it. He'd made the mistake of watching a movie marathon on cable TV where all the expectant mothers were graceful, glowing and oh-so-sexy in the adoring eyes of their husbands. Being stuck on the sofa in the face of all that and desperately needing to pee, made him feel like a bloody great beached whale.

"Really." Jack slid off the bed, swung Ianto's legs up for him and then helped him slide further onto the bed, so that his head now lay on his pillow. "Tell you what I'm gonna do." He pulled Ianto's shoes and socks off. "Give me just a minute, and I'll be right back, okay?"

"Okay." Ianto sighed as he wiggled a bit to get more comfortable.

Jack tucked Ianto's shoes into the closet and dropped the socks in the laundry hamper on his way out to the living room. Quickly he turned off the TV, grabbed some water and fruit juice from the fridge, double-checked the locks on the doors and windows, and was back in their bedroom in less than five minutes.

It was quiet when he walked back in, and he paused at the foot of the bed. "Are you awake?" he whispered.

"Yeah," Ianto answered quietly. "Just thinking."

"About what?" Jack turned on the little lamp on his bedside table and set down the drink bottles. He quickly stripped to his boxers and vest before gently removing Ianto's clothes. "Here, turn on your side." He helped Ianto roll over to face away from him.

"This time next month, the babies will be here."

"Yeah," Jack smiled broadly. "Remember when it felt like we'd never get to this point?" He sat down behind Ianto and slipped a pillow under his lover's belly and another between his knees before pushing Ianto gently over just a little more. Reaching into the drawer behind him, Jack pulled out a bottle of massage oil and checked the label. ' _Nope, not the spearmint; that's too invigorating._ ' He put that one back and pulled out the other bottle – the lavender oil – perfect for relaxing.

"Now it's all suddenly coming too fast, Jack."

Pouring some oil into the palm of his hand, Jack let it sit and warm for a moment before he began rubbing it into Ianto's neck and shoulders. "How so?"

"Oh, God, that feels good." Ianto groaned lewdly.

"Haven't heard those words for a while now," Jack chuckled softly.

"Yeah," Ianto agreed, and even though he couldn't see Ianto's face, Jack could hear the smile in his voice. "Lately it's kinda been 'don't even think about it, Jack Harkness!'" Ianto couldn't stop the silly giggle that erupted from his lips.

"We are _so_ an old married couple, aren't we?" Jack laughed along with him, his hands gentle and loving, moving in circular motions along Ianto's spine.

"Our time as a couple is coming to an end, Jack," Ianto said sadly. "Pretty soon, it's going to become the four of us, forever."

Jack's hands slowed for a moment. "Is that a bad thing?"

"Oh no! No, of course not!" Ianto struggled to look over his shoulder. "Of course not." He gave up trying to see Jack and just motioned for Jack to lean over him. "Come here, I want to see you."

Jack obliged, leaning across Ianto's body and meeting his gaze. Ianto took Jack's face in his hands and looked deeply into his husband's eyes. "I cannot wait to give birth to your babies, Jack, and to see the look on your face when you see them for the first time." He kissed Jack softly on the lips. "I love you so much, Cariad."

"I lu…" Jack had to swallow and clear the lump from his throat. "I love you too, Ianto. More than you'll ever know." Several tears of his own splashed onto Ianto's cheek, and he kissed them away. Suddenly shy, Jack ducked back behind Ianto and resumed his massage.

After a few minutes, Jack spoke again. "Just think of how much fun it's going to be, though, once it's the four of us. There's so much stuff we can show them and teach them." He dug his fingers into the small of Ianto's back. "Imagine what Christmas will be like with them!"

"You just want to play with their toys, Jack." Ianto grinned knowingly.

"Oh yeah!"

"I think we'll see the world in a whole different way once we start looking through their eyes, don't you?" Ianto asked. "Everything will be shiny and new to them, and so to us too."

Jack looked off into the distance for a moment, remembering the first time he had seen the Earth from space. He'd been a cadet with the Time Agency on a routine tour of the Milky Way for navigation class and it had been so new and shiny to him back then. It seemed like a lifetime ago.

"Jack?"

"Hmmm?"

"Where'd you go?" Ianto asked softly.

Jack smiled and kissed Ianto's shoulder. "Just thinking back for a moment, when all this, this world, was new to me." He moved his massage further down Ianto's body as he talked. "I remember the first time I ever saw Earth. It was so beautiful, Ianto; it completely filled the windscreen of my space ship. It glowed like a beautiful jewel, all blue and green, and shot through with white. I wish you could have seen it back then."

Even though he was a little worried about the answer, Ianto had to ask the question anyway. "Do you miss it, Jack, honestly, being out there in space?"

"Honestly?" Jack drew a deep breath and exhaled, his breath warm on Ianto's skin. "Yeah, sometimes I do. Something here will remind me of something out there, and I'll wish so much…"

"Would you go back, if you could?" Ianto held his breath as he waited for his answer.

"In a heartbeat!" Jack exclaimed.

Ianto felt a sharp stab in his heart at Jack's words. "You'd go? Really?"

"Oh, hell yeah," Jack confirmed. "Because then I could show you all the wonders that are out there!"

"Huh?"

"Ianto," Jack leaned back over his partner's body so he could look him straight in the eye. "I wouldn't go unless I could take you with me." He tried to put as much earnestness into his voice as he could. "I am _never_ going to leave you behind again, Ianto. Where I go, you go, remember?"

Ianto remembered. It had been those five words, spoken by Jack as they'd read their self-written vows to one another, that had reduced him to a tearful mess during their civil partnership and commitment ceremony. "I will follow you anywhere," he promised again, repeating his own special five words.

"No, you're not going to follow me, not ever." Jack pulled Ianto over onto his back and stared down into his eyes. "You're going to walk beside me every step of the way."

Love and joy lit up Ianto's eyes. "Every step," he agreed, and then he frowned. "Damn!" Their romantic moment was over.

"What!" Jack yelped in alarm. "What's wrong?" His hands fluttered between Ianto's head and his belly; he didn't know where to touch first. "Are you all right? Is it time?!"

"Gotta pee again!" Ianto tried several times, quite ineffectually, to sit up. "Don't just sit there, push!"

Laughing with almost hysteric relief, Jack quickly helped Ianto to his feet and then followed him to the door, stopping just outside, where he again listened to Niagara Falls.

"Um, Ianto?" He took advantage of the silence when the noise of the toilet flushing was over.

"Yeah, Jack?"

"How come you're looking at your penis in the mirror?"

end


End file.
